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Emotional Weather Report

August 23, 2011

Looking back on the concerned questions people asked before we bought the property, I’m still not sure if they were asking the right questions or not. While people were most concerned about my marital happiness and work productivity (both of which have gone though some interesting ups and downs), no one asked how I was going to deal with a sort of overwhelming sense of always being behind, never getting enough done, or a sense of frequent uselessness. One of Mr. B and my’s black-humor not-really-joking comments is that we understand why people used to die when they were 40 – exhaustion.

I have a Manhatten-hazed memory from the property-buying phase of me (maybe semi-tearfully) holding Mr. B’s hand and saying that no matter what, I would be happy that we are doing this. The truth is I am still happy, but it has become less of these joyful kind of happiness and more of the delayed gratification kind of happiness. I spend a lot of time standing in the house, imagining what the rooms will look like, what I’ll do with the garden, what color I’ll paint the rooms. This is the best way I’ve found to keep myself from totally freaking out. While my skills and proficiency with tools has grown (I framed the windows alone), I’ve uncovered a deep dislike for construction and the amount of work it takes to do it right. The question people ask the most now is, “When are you going to build your next house?” and I can honestly say, “Never.”

Not to end this post on an after-school special note, but this experience has also heightened my appreciation for the quiet and still and beautiful moments in our life. Last night Mr. B called me outside and we stood there in our underwear looking up at the Milky Way and all of the stars. This was the latest I’d been outside on our property, and I was just amazed that we can look at “camping” stars every night. The beer you have sitting on the cold concrete floor at the end of the day has taken on a nearly meditative significance – a time to sit still, reflect, enjoy. The secret pleasure of sneaking into the camper for 5 minutes to read another page of your book.

 

 

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4 Comments leave one →
  1. Rita permalink
    August 23, 2011 6:10 am

    You have ads! Are they paying you?, they are supposed to.

  2. August 23, 2011 7:36 am

    I don’t see any ads, and I don’t have anything set up with anyone.

  3. Rita permalink
    August 23, 2011 7:53 am

    Ok, now they are gone. There was a Pottery Barn ad and something else gardenish in nature.

  4. sue permalink
    August 29, 2011 3:49 pm

    oh my dear…i know, from the experiences of other friends who’ve gone down the road you are taking, how difficult/trying/excruciating building your own home can be. in the end though, it will be your home, yours and mr. b’s (who i think is simply amazing as are you). in the words of richard alpert/ram dass “be here now.” and that is why i am so happy mr. b and you got out to see those amazing stars.

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